Deserved Indulgence

A WITW insight

Mon, 7 Mar 2011 11:07:37 -0500

<This writing is raw. In my immediate need to get these ideas out and in the world balanced with my immediate need to get dressed for my appointment in 45 mins I chose not to edit my stream of consciousness too heavily. I’ll make it read nice and pretty later.
Or I won’t.>

In doing the Identify Your Identity task I had a moment of clarity (Can I get an Amen? This process is actually delivering on its promises.) I grew up the youngest daughter of an artist, with an older sister who was labeled the “artistic one.” I was “the smart one.”
(Disclaimer - After giving credit to what a supreme insult that is to my sister -this isn’t about her. She has her own talents and mine do not diminish hers or yours in the least. She may be working through her private frustrations about the lack of childhood encouragement for her secret dream of becoming a chemist because she was constantly thought of as “the artist.”) My artistic journey at the moment seems to be more about feeling worthy of the investment and the paralysis that comes without that feeling.

I was encouraged as a child in my endeavors at wood working, gardening, music, writing, and cooking. But painting and drawing were to remain only in my mother and sister’s domain. It didn’t take little Allie long to learn that ARTIST = DRAWING AND PAINTING and it irked me that despite laundry list of things I have accomplished I never got that title.
I still lack the identity of artist because I am not proficient in these areas, or at least I did until this morning when I started taking inventory:

I get real enjoyment from cooking difficult dishes and techniques. I love combining flavors and tasting.

I am learning to garden again. I crave the experience and frequent the local garden centers and botanical gardens to drink in the sights and smells.

I sew. I am pretty good at it. I made my own wedding dress and embroidered all of our wedding invitations. I also knit and crochet at a pretty advanced level.

I write. I have written a novel. I worked at a newspaper to be near it. I’ve had a blog for years. My friends, cousins and I used to produce pretend newspapers for fun as kids. I write every day. I’d say if there is one title I feel completely comfortable claiming in the artistic realm - it is writer.

I build things. I haven’t in a while (stupid POTS) but I’m getting back into it. Have compound miter saw and kreg jig - will build.

At different times in my life I have played the piano, saxophone, oboe, and bass guitar. Listening to music brings out the strength reserves I don’t always remember I have.

I take photographs that record the parts of life that capture my eye. Lots of them are frame worthy.

For the majority of my life I have had ideas so fast and furiously that it was all I could do to write them down. I have notebooks and sketch books full of proof that inspiration found me. (For 10 years or so I was also a single mother working full time along with a full course load in engineering. I didn’t have enough time or energy to put most of those ideas to use.)

AND I draw and paint. Sometimes badly. Always joyfully.

I claim it. I am an artist. I live an artistic life. I have 37 years of proof.

20 Steps

Wed, 2 Mar 2011 09:57:52 -0500

I mentioned previously that I had started doing Walking in the World. I went on my artist’s date to the local garden center. I spent an hour walking around in the green house surrounded by flowers, seeds and soil. I came away with some organic soil and a new orchid pot.

One of Week #1’s tasks in the book is to list 20 creative steps you could take right now. I could come up with more than 20.

1. Install updates to Creative Suite. I feel guilty for not using my software!
2. Order the adapter so I can hook my laptop into the external monitor.
3. Charge my camera batteries.
4. Make a “God Jar” - for depositing thoughts about those things that are out of my control.
5. Put on my compression stockings and go for a walk.
6. Put on some music and paste pictures into my journal
7. Go to paint store so I can make photo rails.
8. Pick a sewing pattern from my stash and prep it for making
9. Gesso some boards
10. Watch an art film off of netflix on demand.
11. Put together 2nd saw horse and put table top on them for a temporary studio work table.
12. Sketch out some of the ideas I’ve had.
13. Sign up for a class (MLSN, WAC or Patricia's)
14. Design my own class and invite others to join me.
15. Post to my blog (uh - hi there!)
16. Write a poem.
17. Cook something fabulous (home made pasta or lemon cookies - I’m looking at you!)
18. Knit a hat for my bestie Kristi (got the yarn!)
19. Brain storm story ideas and put them down on index cards.
20. Meditate/ pray about a project idea I’ve had.
21. Grab an object to artistically explore. (Photograph, paint, and write about)
22. Make and awesome artsy accessory to wear - a hat or cool scarf or a pin.

Planting time

Tue, 1 Mar 2011 15:31:17 -0500

Going from the girl who can see such infinite potential in a package of seeds that is breaks her heart to put them in the ground to the girl surrounded by flowers in the garden.

Both are totally worth being.

From struggle to thrive

Tue, 1 Mar 2011 14:29:40 -0500

The last month or so was full of struggling for me. Parenting struggles, weather struggles, and health struggles. Steady, pounding and relentless, like the guy with the drum in Ben Hur. None of them alone overwhelming (well, maybe a couple - but I’m used to a certain degree of overwhelm.) but for heavens sake Just.Knock.It.Off.Already.

With March comes spring, and I couldn’t be more ready. I am starting to come out of the mini crash I had. When you have a chronic illness and you start feeling really bad, you never know how long it will last. Will you be like this for a day or two? A month? Will it be a year?
I was lucky this time and it seems to be a matter of days instead of months. There but for the grace of God and pharmaceuticals -go I again. But the self care involved with this stupid illness is ironically exhausting! I feel like I’m in a sum zero game involving a cycle of exercise, food choices, medicine, and doctors visits in order to feel good enough to exercise, make dinner, and go to the doctor ...

With Spring comes hopes of more energy. What will I do with it? In the immediate I am doing Walking in the World by Julia Cameron. It is the successor to The Artist’s Way. A wonderful woman I met through Mondo Beyondo is facilitating. I’m starting to feel a bit replenished. Baseball season has started (Shut up -Spring Training does too count.) We find out what games we are going to later today. The Philly Flower Show starts on Sunday, and our plans are to go on that first day.

I have the Italian Rosetta Stone software loaded on my computer and just waiting for me to tackle it. My attention span has been so pitiful from not feeling well that I haven’t really been able to dig in. It is starting to make me feel more guilty than excited. I hope to change that soon.

I’ve spent so many years in this space. The area between a POTS crash and living a normal life. It looks like living, but it feels like limbo. It isn’t good enough anymore. I want to thrive.

This Week plus a couple of days

Sat, 8 Jan 2011 13:10:58 -0500

This is what my week looked like.
Starting a new journal, making banana pudding from scratch, New Year’s Eve Celebration plans, Coffee on New Year’s Morning, a sunset in Aberdeen, grocery shopping born of a resolution to eat more veggies, yellow- green smoothie, Longwood Gardens, taking down the Christmas decorations, and a new definition of snow dog.